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Coaches Memo is an area where I share what is going on in my world, the ways in which the power of coaching is affecting my life, and insights I have recently experienced.

What’s Your Money Story?

 

Money is a powerful concept. Just think of all the ways in which most of us give our attention to money – how we earn it, manage it, account for it, save it, spend it, worry about it, and even give it away. Not surprisingly, many of us have unquestioned limiting beliefs about money. We may even hold judgments about the relationships others have with their money – rich or poor, lavish spenders, or overly frugal.

 

In The Energy of Money, author Dr. Maria Nemeth challenges readers to create a personal “money autobiography” by writing a description of our lifelong experience of money, from earliest memories to now. She suggests that what we observed and learned about money from our earliest memories informs our money beliefs as adults. What a sobering exercise! My money autobiography showed me how my own Money Story – my current beliefs about money – was very much shaped by my parents’ beliefs about money.

 

My folks were members of “The Greatest Generation.” They were kids during the depths of the Great Depression and were young adults during WWII. (Keywords: Lack, Scarcity, Limitation, Rationing, Distrust, Secrecy, Hardship, Doing-without.) Understandably, they saw the world as generally an unfriendly place; money was hard to come by and to be protected at all costs. For them, the glass often looked half full. I acknowledge that I didn’t experience the hugely challenging times they endured growing up. Different life experience means different worldview, so I see and experience the world differently – as a generally friendly place of abundance that is full of choices and opportunities. For me, the glass is more than half full. (Keywords: Abundance, Generous Universe, Win-Win, Flow, Creativity, Generative)

 

I felt uncomfortable, even a little disloyal, in questioning differences in our belief systems. Working with my own Coach, I concluded that embracing my own true personal beliefs is not disrespectful of elders nor does it invalidate their experiences. Rather, this simply means making a personal choice to mindfully notice the beliefs I hold, discern if they are true for me now, and then change them by creating a more personally authentic Money Story of my own. Nobody gets to be wrong!

 

Coaching is a great way to explore unquestioned limiting beliefs. Not surprisingly, money is a common focus of calls with my coaching clients. I invite them to examine their own Money Story – its origins, benefits and limitations. Often they decide a substantial re-write of their own Money Story is in order to craft a more modern, accurate and congruent set of personal beliefs around money.

 

It’s not easy to uproot lifelong beliefs. Friends and family members may not feel comfortable or supportive of such changes at first, or ever. But I suggest that there are few things that are more satisfying than feeling more authentic, aware, and aligned with one’s own values and beliefs. So, what’s your Money Story?

 

10 questions to help create YOUR new Money Story:

  1. What was the financial circumstance of your childhood?
  2. What messages about money can you recall when you were young?
  3. In what ways do you think your current financial situation relates to that of your family of origin?
  4. What is one assumption or belief about money that no longer serves you well?
  5. What might be a desired outcome of embracing a new personal Money Story?
  6. By changing your Money Story, what are you saying “yes” to?
  7. By changing your Money Story, what are you saying “no” to?
  8. If you want to ask for some help, who would be supportive and non-judgmental as you explore?
  9. When will you begin?
  10. How will you know your new money story is accurate and truly your own?

 

 

 

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Receiving Help as an Act of Generosity

 

Receiving Help as an Act of Generosity

 

I’m changing my mind about asking for or accepting help, when I need it. What I learned growing up was be needless/wantless, be self-sufficient,be self-reliant, and never be beholden to anyone. “Who are you to have needs,
with so many other people in the world in much worse need?” As a kid, I learned that asking for or receiving help was freeloading, a sign of weakness, or of poverty. That’s how it landed for me, anyway. After 50-something years of living with those rules, I decided to find a better feeling perspective.  

So, working with my coach (yep, I have a coach too!), I discovered there is another more satisfying perspective for me to explore about asking for and receiving help.  We all can use some help sometimes. She asked me “how do you feel when you are asked for help by someone else?”  Hmmm.  Well, generally, I really like being asked to help, sometimes even honored.  It feels good to be able to assist someone.  (BTW, neuroscience calls it the “helper’s high” – actually a chemical buzz from showing kindness or compassion to another. So we are hardwired to be of service.)  Next, she asked me, doesn’t it follow that if someone offers help I need or if I ask someone for help they, too, might feel good by my allowing and accepting their help? 



With a Coach’s Skillful Guidance . . .

 

With a coach’s skillful guidance, my new understanding of my assumptions about offering and receiving help is three-fold. First, I feel rebuffed when I offer help and it is declined or ignored, so maybe they do too?  Second, I found that I was fearful of the answer – whether yes or no!  And third, I see how being overly invested in “looking good” as needless/wantless and low-maintenance keeps me from connecting and moving ahead in life.  Ick.  As Joe Weston, author of an amazing new book “Mastering Respectful Confrontation” says, being vulnerable is actually a very powerful place in which to stand. 

Okay, there are always exceptions to this.  But in most instances, my own new perspective on receiving help – whether requested or offered – is that accepting help can have outcomes much greater than the help offered.  It can engage connection with another, even when the help is not granted or ultimately received, and it also can be an act of great
generosity.   



Some Questions for You. . .

 

It feels really good to share my journey on asking for and receiving help. Thanks for reading this far. And if any of this resonates with you or brings up some curiosity about your own beliefs, here are some Coach’s Inquiries to mull:

  • Where can you really use some help, big or small, right now?
  • Who do you know who can help you?
  • What might be generous about asking them for help?
  • What if they say “no?” 
  • What if they say “yes?” 
  • Can you take “yes” for an answer?

 

This is a great example of ways in which working with a professional coach can help shift perspectives, to live more powerfully and with greater connection. Why not contact me today to set up a complementary 30-minute consultation call to explore ways that I may be of service?  (You might even want to ask me for help!) Please visit my website www.kincaidcoaching.com

 

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Be Bad

“Be Bad!”

That’s what comedian Kate Clinton wrote when she autographed a photo for me a few years ago.

Be Bad really landed for me. I’ve spent so much of my life being “nice” and living in ways that catered to others comfort and wishes at the expense of my own wants and needs. Think “Best Little Boy.” (Maybe you can relate?)

With the help of my coach, I learned that I often saw rules where there weren’t any! I unconsciously opted out of many things in life based on unquestioned assumptions I made, informed by rules that I made up or that others imposed that were unacceptable. Moments of clarity like that are powerful outcomes from working with a coach.

So, I took Kate’s admonition to heart. I made a commitment to myself. . . If living life with dignity, integrity, personal power, speaking up, playing bigger, with joy and kindness is somehow bad, then okay – I choose to Be Bad.

If this resonates, I invite you to consider some coach-like questions for yourself:

  • Where do you see rules that aren’t there?
  • What would it feel like to come out of the “nice” closet and Be Bad?
  • What might happen if you said “no” to one unreasonable request today?
  • How will you know when you will be ready to make a change and Be Bad?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Perhaps we can explore coaching together? Please click on the Contact Me tab to the left to schedule a complementary Sample Session call. (Go on, Be Bad!)

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